Author: Kate
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You helped save my life
You helped save my life. For that, I can never repay you. What I can do, however, is pay it forward. In the way I live my life, in the choices I continue to make. The ‘next best step’ I keep making on this path forward. It doesn’t have to be the best step, simply… Read more
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Another piece of the puzzle
A huge piece of the puzzle of my life was discovered today. I felt complete in a way after the realisation. Even though the depth of exploration of this piece so far is only at the very surface, a glimpse. There is resistance to integrating this into my Self too. A strong resistance. Refusal is… Read more
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All is not lost
All is not lost, no. Simply waiting in the shadows until I am ready to face the music. I am ready to face the music. And my god, am I ready to dance, once I find the good tunes, and find my feet again. A friend told me on my birthday that we are given… Read more
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The shortest distance between two points
is often unbearable. Read more
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A message from Little Kate
I booked therapy yesterday for today. It felt right when I booked it, and then feelings of ‘what have I done, what will I talk about’ came up. In session today, I found out why the calling was so strong. Little Kate had something to say. “He hurt me.” “Why won’t anyone listen to me.”… Read more
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I made a deal with myself
I made a deal with myself. I made a deal with my mind. The deal was, if we could please compartmentalise my chaotic parts of self, so that we could action tasks on our to-do list, then we could create space for processing the emotional energy that is currently stuck in my shoulder. My mind… Read more
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Today I rode my bike for the first time
Today I rode my bike for the first time since I got it a few years ago. What a milestone. I needed help to get up and on the road. My friend came and picked me up and drove me to the water so I could build my confidence riding again. Damn it felt good.… Read more
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Back after a hiatus
I wish I had blogged on the days I didn’t post, as a record, but I didn’t have it in me. The purpose of this blog is to get to know myself. To document my process and show how healing is possible. Healing is also messy and not in a linear direction, as you have… Read more
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I am not who you think I am
“I am not who you think I am. You are who you think I am.” Helping with the processing of my present day rejection wounds. Today I felt chaotic, to say the very least. I tuned in with Little Kate and asked her how she was feeling. I asked this as immediately prior to this… Read more
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An unexpected derailment
My cousin died yesterday. No warning. Gone. They were only in their 40s. Working on the farm, driving machinery and it was stopped in the field. My uncle went over to see what was going on. They were slumped over the steering wheel. Just called Mum and Dad. Dad didn’t want to talk about it.… Read more
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Remember Sammy Jankis
The feeling of completing a project is like no other. Well, it should be like no other. If you are anything like me though, nothing much changes. I expect relief and it does not come. If it does come, I certainly don’t notice it. Today I took back my work computer to the office. No,… Read more
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Tonight’s Buck Moon theme: Rejection
The Full Moon is a time to cleanse what no longer serves. I chose rejection as tonight’s theme as this is the most prominent lesson I am receiving. The past has a funny way of showing up in the present. I don’t want to get rid of the feelings of rejection either. I don’t want… Read more
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The Moon knows all my secrets
Rejection seems to be the theme of my experience at the moment. I tried on for size the Rejection Exposure my psychiatrist suggested. Little moments of choosing to take up a little bit more space, and being okay with being told no. Except when I bolding ask for these little moments, I am greeted with… Read more
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The unexpected breakthrough
I told myself last night I was about to level up and I was right. Today delivered right on schedule. I broke down after class in front of the psychiatrist. I can’t cry when I want to, so to cry when I wasn’t expecting it caught me off guard. They were the type of tears… Read more
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One thing I know I am, for sure
One thing I know I am, for sure, is relentless. Today I wanted to give up, throw in the towel. I try so hard and I get tired. This is a test though. I know I am about to level up. I have to be. You can’t get to feeling this hopeless, feel this pathetic,… Read more
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Where does your mind go when your loved one is sick?
Cora was very sick last night. This morning she was bleeding and so off to the Emergency Vet we went. She is always so popular at the vet and this time was no different. My mind went to the worst place, of course. Catastrophising. Last night in my journal I had written that I thought… Read more
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Even the devil needs time alone sometimes
If your elderly cat wets your bed just before you are about to get in it, is this a good omen? Very late at night and I am now forced to wash the beautiful handmade blanket made for me by someone that loves me. Colour catchers better do what they are meant to, and the… Read more
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I am evolving
I watched our neighbour being wheeled out of their house on a stretcher. I made sure to come at the correct time. It was organised but a few hours before. They looked so tiny in the bed. The scream that came from their loved one and life-long friend will stay with me for a long… Read more
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Drowning in hopelessness and helplessness
The hopelessness and helplessness is overwhelming today. Confirmation that nothing I do has any impact. My life is chaos. Every time I try to take action to alleviate something from my psyche, more comes back. I know this is an emotional flashback from childhood. I know it. I don’t know whether to sit with it,… Read more
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6 months clean today
I am 6 months clean today. I forgot about it until just before. I am not even sure how I feel about it. I half cried before. The longing to cry but I just couldn’t squeeze any liquid out of my eyes. I received the sweetest thank you note from our neighbours this morning. “less… Read more
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You are now entering the Anger Zone
Today was confusing as hell. I think I experienced all the main emotions. My thoughts are currently everywhere, my head hurts and my heart’s a mess. I made my neighbour cry. I made my neighbour cry with my words. I made my neighbour cry tears of love with the words I wrote in a card… Read more
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15 minutes of grief
I gave the idea of 15 minutes of grief to a friend recently. Today when I woke up, I was everywhere at the same time. As I followed my thoughts through the chaos maze, I found myself staring at my own words: 15 minutes of grief. The thing with me is I don’t often take… Read more
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You do not have to carry this
This morning I went to a sober dance meet with a friend for their birthday. It was my first time there. I have wanted to go for so long, but the resistance in my to good things has always stopped me. I made a card before I went. A practice of giving love with no… Read more
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An unexpected perspective shift
It’s hard to know what to write today. I feel myself getting sick of these late night entries. I feel called to shift my entire day, my energy for the day to a different schedule. I have used this week as a distraction for myself. My days have not felt my own. I feel like… Read more
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I am not trustworthy
If someone you love, someone you care about, decided not to tell you something about themselves for a number of months, is it okay to be hurt by that? The absence of sharing personal details. I can’t work out if I am feeling these feelings because I am upset by the news finally shared with… Read more
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When I accept myself
“The curious paradox is when I accept myself, just as I am, then I can change” – Carl Rogers This quote never made sense to me, until today. Read more
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I am addicted to my thoughts
“I am addicted to my thoughts. I cannot change anything, if I cannot change my thoughts.” I worked my ass off today. I tried my hardest to not sleep during the day, and I did it. I am hoping I sleep well tonight. I need it. It’s been a long time since I slept solidly.… Read more
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The opposite of hate
The opposite of hate, is not love. It’s apathy. The antidote to hate is love, though. Today I was a brave little girl and let a little bit of love into my heart, my broken heart. My mission, should I choose to accept it, is to melt the shame that glued the broken pieces of… Read more
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The strength of a turning tide
I am close to a breakthrough. I can feel it brewing. Things are hard right now. I say that nearly every entry. Please know how hard I am working on this Post Traumatic Growth. Things feel hard in a different way. I feel many parts of myself changing and morphing. I want to say ‘getting… Read more
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Something feels different in me today
I don’t know how to describe it, and I don’t know what it is, but something feels very different in me today. It took all day to get to this change. It didn’t happen at precise moment in time. I notice there is a fire in me. A burning, a yearning for something more. Maybe… Read more