A huge piece of the puzzle of my life was discovered today. I felt complete in a way after the realisation. Even though the depth of exploration of this piece so far is only at the very surface, a glimpse. There is resistance to integrating this into my Self too. A strong resistance. Refusal is the correct word. Refusal for this piece to be integrated, and also, refusal for me to give up on it.

I refuse to give up on you.

I have lost count of the amount of comments I have received in the last few days of admiration of my bravery, my courage, my drive to continue this endeavour to piece myself back together again. I want to dismiss these compliments, these offerings of commendation. I really don’t have a choice in the matter. At the same time, I have been saying in response a soft ‘thank you’ because this fight is my toughest battle. My life’s work. My soul’s mission, perhaps.

I have been climbing this mountain of myself for some years now. I have been on a plateau for some time, a few months it seems. Movement has not been as dramatic or fast paced as it once was, or so it feels. Again, criticism of Self. Shame coming up too. I am still walking surefooted in a forward direction though. That I cannot deny.

I have realised the plateau is a time for gentle rearranging of the pieces within me. I keep having this visual of me trying to complete a puzzle. Right now, the pieces that I have, are forced together in a haphazard way. Pieces that do not belong together have been jammed together, like a kid, coz, well I was a kid when I put these puzzle pieces together initially. So much of the puzzle is missing. I don’t even know how big it is supposed to be. All I can keep doing is make the next best step. Not the best step, just the next best step to get me wherever it is I appear to be going.

So maybe this plateau is the process of me pulling apart all the pieces again, and leaving them in a pile. Preparing to piece it back together again. Eventually spreading out the pieces, flipping them over so I can see their colours, group the edge pieces together.

Do I even have any edge pieces yet?

I feel like I have looked at most of the pieces I have so far, had a quick look and then put them back down again. I haven’t explored and investigated the full depth of any of the pieces yet. Too scary at the time. I was too inexperienced. I did my best at the time with the skills and knowledge I had at the time.

The deep exploration is coming.

Now that I have this huge missing piece, finally, I am confident in my undoing of the puzzle. A clarity that this is the next best step.

I still do not know what the final picture will look like. I don’t think I will know what it looks like until it’s done. The box I came in was tossed out with the trash.

Lucky I am good at puzzles. Lucky I am feeling so safe within myself to spend time working on this puzzle.

Lots of love,

Kate