“I am addicted to my thoughts. I cannot change anything, if I cannot change my thoughts.”

I worked my ass off today. I tried my hardest to not sleep during the day, and I did it. I am hoping I sleep well tonight. I need it. It’s been a long time since I slept solidly.

I did yoga when I woke up, first thing. One day soon I will stop writing about this. For now, it is a huge achievement and I need to give myself props. Especially coz I definitely did not want to do it. Only a few hours sleep last night, it was a rough one.

I made a big connection this morning too, between something that happened in my recent Ayahuasca ceremony and my need to learn how to sleep properly. I do my best work while I am asleep. Well, I should say, the parts of me do their best work while I am sleeping. I need more repair time in my life. My resistance to sleeping is ridiculous. I think it is a long term hangover from all the nights my sleep was plagued with nightmares. All the times when bad things would happen while I was sleeping when I was younger. That shit scars you. Deeply. I haven’t actually admitted that to myself yet, until right now.

I am unable to compartmentalise in my mind. I have never really understood how someone can lock something away to process it later. My only feature was turning myself numb. A complete off switch. It’s unnatural. So to have been shown all the boxes in my mind as open, with the control centres under extreme pressure, failing, mayday alert systems a go-go, I finally got the picture that this is being worked on while I sleep.

I made one goal for this week. It’s to finish my 2021 Tax submission which got sent back to me to provide more information. I avoided it most of the day. It was 4.10pm when I forced myself to commit to 20 minutes. Lots of internal protesting going on. I even cut that time commitment down to 10 minutes. Just do something, anything, and be done for the day. I prepared myself by using a technique from my therapy group. The doctor suggested jumping jacks for a reason I cannot remember. I wasn’t going to be doing jumping jacks on my wooden floorboards, for the neighbours to hear. Instead I did 60 air squats. It got my heart pumping, and maybe distracted my anxious mind enough for me to get in and get started for those 10 minutes I had promised.

Well, the 10 minutes passed and turned into 2 hours. I got to about 95% of the way there. I should have felt relief, but my Inner Critic was telling me I am not good enough. Sometimes after I have finished a hard task, that relief won’t come to me at all. Sometimes, if I’m lucky, a few days will go by and then I will get to experience the relief. Not sure what that is all about. Some self-punishing bullshit. I will keep working on that.

My Mum text me while I was working hard. She text me to relay a message from Dad. He finished the book I recommended him. If you know my Dad, you will know he does not read. It was an audiobook, but still. I felt elated. For him, and that I get the honour of having got him to finish a book. He said he loved it. It was too good, and could he have another recommendation. Never did I ever.

I was also reading about the Inner Critic today. How, based on our circumstances growing up, that a child’s Fight Response could be nullified and internalised to amplify the Inner Critic. That made a lot of sense to me, seeing as I sit in Freeze nearly all the time. I don’t have much of a Fight Response. Well, I do, and that’s only when I am having a Complex PTSD episode. It ain’t pretty, to say the least. There are many casualties. I get what I want in that situation, which is to be on my own, alone. Still trying to work out this internal war inside of me. I am definitely getting somewhere, albeit slowly.

Oh yeah, I forgot to tell you about my reason for a rough night last night. Seems like all my nights are rough lately. This one was particularly bad as I was having ketamine and alcohol urges. Bad ones. I am not sure if I have felt it that strong before. Alcohol? I haven’t really thought about that much since I decided to quit. So that was odd for that to be there so strongly. It’s nearly been a year since I had my major slip, when I face planted it hard into the pavement, figuratively speaking. Ketamine urges have been lurking in the background. I like to say that there is zero risk of me breaking my goal of a year without drugs. It can’t be zero though. Last night it really grew legs. I tried everything to stop it.

I tried resisting the urge for a long time. Then I tried leaning into it. It’s hard to know what to do with it as I haven’t had to deal with it so far. I am nearly 6 months in. This is a huge achievement for me. They say we are given our toughest challenges to test if we are ready to level up. I tried to remind myself of this last night. I think what actually worked was remembering what the product was like towards the end. So sterile, so boring, lacking insight, just lacking all around. Something happened to the product. It didn’t seem like ketamine anymore. I was also remembering about how ketamine gave me so much back in the day. Helped me so profoundly. I thought it would help save the world. I wanted to be a spokeswoman for it. Petition it, advocate for it. Then it made me laugh at it now, looking back. My experience with plant medicine is lightyears ahead of ketamine. It’s not even in the same book at plant medicine. Seems kinda foolish to have loved it so much. I didn’t have another way, until I did. Maybe that was the realisation I needed. No K trip needed for this release and insight.

Ain’t that funny. What I used ketamine for back in the day, the experiences and insights and wisdom that I was seeking, I am now getting on the daily, by myself (with the guidance from my plant medicine, but you get what I mean), for myself, in the comfort of my own home, with minimal, if any risk to myself or my relationships.

I also went on to have some whack dreams after. The destruction of the Ketamine King. Though he fought back a lot, I was scared he would win. Then super sensual dreams. I half knew I should be waking myself up and out of a dream like that. But I stayed in it exploring it. It was almost as though I was driving the dream, which I have never been able to do before.

When I know better, I do better. Today was a huge one for learning and growing. I hope I have a deep restful sleep and I wake at a normal hour, rested and ready for the day. I wonder if I can go two days with no naps. Though I have group therapy tomorrow, that will probably knock me out. All that brain power.

A very intense day for me. I feel like crying, but my tears are not ready to be shed, or I don’t know how to quite yet.

I’m off to read.

Lots of love,

Kate