All is not lost, no. Simply waiting in the shadows until I am ready to face the music.

I am ready to face the music. And my god, am I ready to dance, once I find the good tunes, and find my feet again.

A friend told me on my birthday that we are given these challenges in life, challenges that can feel insurmountable, we are given these because we are strong enough to handle them.

A beautiful sentiment.

I want to share about therapy today but I think I need more time to sit with it. I am proud of myself for asking for help when all I wanted to do was to disappear.

I wish I could post what I really want to say but I am still dealing with hangups on censoring myself on here. My absence is for a reason.

Funny that this is a meant to be a daily blog, to learn about who I am, for myself, and yet I am scared to show who I really am. I am editing my current self to fit the mold of who I used to be, in your eyes at least. My eyes too, if I am honest. I still don’t know who I am.

Your version of me is skewed to your hurt. Trust me, if you want me to be hurting, I am. It’s pretty much all I’ve ever known – the hurt version of me. As I shed the hurt, these new layers are quite something.

I think you’d like me now, actually. I am so far from who you once knew. So far from who I once knew too, ya know.

The purpose of the daily blog was to see how things change and grow and develop over time. Not to read one blog and get angry about it. I hate that you think I am one dimensional like that. Shows how little you really “knew” me.

It makes me sad that you don’t get to know this version of me. Sad is an understatement too.

Just so you know, none of the hurt I inflicted on you was intentional. Can you wrap your head around that?

I still have to own the hurt I inflicted on you, that fact does not change. I caused a lot of hurt onto others, from the hurt that was done to me. And that’s not who I am, nor was it ever.

So thank you for the gift of ending our relationship. It is a gift, I realised today. A true gift because it forced me to look in the mirror. I can tell you I hated what I saw looking back.

People didn’t know what happened to me. Why? Cause not even I knew, until I did. I still don’t really know what happened to me. Do you know how confusing that is for a person?

This was meant to be a one line blog. As you can see, lots happening within me, and yet what I post isn’t even a fraction of what I could say, or want to say. This is not a one off occurrence either. This happens within me, all day, every day.

All is not lost. I refuse to give up.

Lots of love,

Kate