Author: Kate
-
Happy Birthday, Grandad
Happy Birthday, Grandad. I hope you are watching over me. I hope I am making you proud. It took me such a long time to be ready to be grown up. I still don’t feel my age. I hope memories come back to me about you. For my favourite person in the world, I don’t… Read more
-
Soft lives require strong systems
Today was not a good day and it has become apparent I need some discipline in my life. I have tried living, existing in the chaos I have found myself in all these years. It doesn’t work. I am not happy. Will I ever be happy? Tomorrow I will really try again. Not half assed… Read more
-
I wanted this
I wanted my memories back, desperately. I didn’t account for the feelings that come with the validation of my memories being real. Now what do I do? I guess the choice is mine. The urge in me to tear down is monumental right now. I am already doing it. It’s seeping out. It’s infecting me.… Read more
-
Making time for the tears
I can feel how intense the integration of the last week’s events is going to be. What brings up the tears easily is thinking of the love I was given and offered this last week. I am in disbelief of it, probably because if I felt the weight of it, I am not sure I… Read more
-
Why is love so hard for me to accept?
I skipped yesterday’s post due to exhaustion and and a really rough night. More on that later, once I’ve unpacked it. Last night was rough and the most beautiful experience. The first part I can remember was every cell in my body being filled with love. It was like a bad dream and physically and… Read more
-
All I need is love
Last night was interesting, confusing and when I woke this morning I couldn’t remember anything from the night before, except the last experience. I could remember a Being coming to visit me when I was back inside the house in the aircon. I had said repeatedly ‘I am not done yet’. So I was both… Read more
-
Goodbye Darkness, my old friend
Last night was a different Ayahuasca experience than I have had previously. There was a lot of darkness. A golden orb opened up shortly after I drank the medicine. I wonder if it was my plant medicine. It was like a blocked drain or exhaust fan that does not work properly. I tried to think… Read more
-
I am here to fight for my Little Girls
I am not used to doing these blogs so early in the day. It does feel good. Take note, Kate, of this feeling of achievement being a long way from bedtime. I keep telling myself I don’t know what my intention for this ceremony or weekend is. But that is a lie. I do know.… Read more
-
I’m still just a lost little girl
I arrived at the retreat location after more than 12 hours of transit time. Hardly any sleep again. You’d think I’d be used to this by now. I don’t know what my intention will be. Probably need a decent sleep to be able to muster the courage to write it all out. Thoughts swirling all… Read more
-
My parents left me today
My parents left to go back home today. I am left with a kaleidoscope of emotions. A mixed bag of everything all at once. I am still feeling like I am in a waking dream. My Sadness came up for a brief moment. It was too much at the wrong time in the wrong place.… Read more
-
Repair is possible
The conversation with my parents did not go well, right. Which left me with two options. The first was to fight back, stand my ground, force the issue, make my point. The second option was to continue my Forgiveness Practice, as well as meet them with love, vulnerability and openness. The second option, for me,… Read more
-
The aftermath of the worst conversation of my life
Yesterday I had the most difficult conversation in my Healing Career so far. It sucked. I didn’t want to do it. I knew I had to. The time was right. Just because I didn’t feel ready didn’t give me reason to chicken out. I told my parents a lot more details about the abuse I… Read more
-
Easy for you to say
I don’t know how to write this. I don’t know how to move forward. Today was very low. The first really low day I’ve had in a while. The depth of this low was something I haven’t felt in sometime, possibly more than a year. That’s progress, I guess. Today I wished I wasn’t alive.… Read more
-
When you’re being pursued, stand still
“When you’re the target, attack. When you’re being pursued, stand still. If someone offers you their hand, you show them your fist.” – Frank Harkness The time has come for me to listen to the yearning to rest. I have been fighting the tiredness and exhaustion with doing more. It’s not working. My body is… Read more
-
You don’t need a perfect plan
You don’t need a perfect plan. You need consistency. I wanted to break my diet today. I was going to break my diet today. Temptation and exhaustion caught up to me, got me while I am weak. In the shop when I had picked out all the mischief I could muster, my Mum was the… Read more
-
It’s okay to rest
-
We are not alone
I added to my affirmations list today. I didn’t plan it. It just happened organically. It felt right. Last night I was plagued with anxiety during the night. On the psychiatrist scales, my anxiety comes out as ‘mild’. Since my Depression Era, the peaks of anxiety have been unexpected and crushing. It’s a bizarre experience.… Read more
-
The little frog that could
My favourite moment of today was when my parents and I reached the summit of a gruelling hike and my parents are so proud they made it to the top. To top it off, Dad turns to me to proudly exclaim ‘and the little frog made it all this way too’. I had forgotten I… Read more
-
Moose aren’t real
Anyone that knows me, knows that I do not believe Moose are real. This is based purely on the fact I have never seen one in real life. I am a Must See It To Believe type gal. This ridiculous notion has been going on for years. Friends think I am joking until they see… Read more
-
Go slow
I purged tonight. It was unexpected and it makes sense at the same time. After a full day of adventuring, I was having a quiet moment to myself in the forest near where we are staying, like I usually do twice a day. I checked in with Little Kate, for the first time in a… Read more
-
One day you may be called upon to save my life
To the parts of me who are currently keeping in an age old holding pattern, I know somewhat of your existence. I don’t know the exact configuration. I know you are very good at your job. I know you exist for a reason. It is exhausting for me to try and resist or overcome you.… Read more
-
If you do not find time for your wellness
As the saying goes ‘if you do not find time for your wellness, you will be forced to find time for your illness’. I can feel myself coming into the Illness Station. I feel physically ill from my exhaustion. I have a follow up doctor’s visit in a week. I should get my test results… Read more
-
The best way to work out why a trap has been set:
Sometimes, the best way to work out why a trap has been set, is to walk right into one. I am sleepless in Seattle still. I am getting to the point where I am going to crash and burn so hard. I feel the sores in my mouth forming from what feels like malnutrition, or… Read more
-
Preparation for the next level
Cora sitting on me while I am trying to write this. A long day of ticking boxes. Reparenting myself at its finest. I nearly had a panic attack today. The low level hum of ‘something is wrong. I am wrong’ consistent in my day. The panic attack potential was real and scary. Somehow I strapped… Read more
-
So be sure when you take a step…
“So be sure when you step, step with care and great tact. And remember that life’s a great balancing act.” – Dr. Seuss A little bit of time and space has done wonders for me. Today is Sunday and one where I usually fill it up with activities and chores. I am trying hard to… Read more