Author: Kate
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I am: Ayahuasca Night 2 edition
You are loved. You are safe. You have power. He can’t hurt you anymore. I am a hollow bone for everything that Ayahuasca is. I am ready. Born ready. Lots of love, Kate NB: Reposted from March 21st. In my fasted, unslept, raw and frantic (to post something for the day) state, I posted this… Read more
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It’s been a minute
I haven’t written here in more than a week and I am disappointed in myself for that. A lot has been happening. I had another Ayahuasca “retreat” on the weekend. I post one night that I was there, but ran out of time and energy to keep it up. I accepted that fact and then… Read more
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More ready and prepared for Ayahuasca than I’ve ever been
I am more ready and prepared than I have ever been for this. I have done my best, and that is enough. Could I have done better? For sure. When we know better, we do better. I have done my best to cope with my current situation while also taking action for things I can… Read more
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How do you help someone who doesn’t want to be helped?
You can’t. ~~~ Life is a funny bastard. Sometimes funny-haha, sometimes just cruel. Guess it depends on where you’re standing. If you’re zoomed out, or right up close. My friend’s Mum tried to kill herself on Monday. That’s a lot. It’s a very confusing mix of emotions. The ‘how could she!?’ pleas for answers. She… Read more
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Oh, I’ve dealt with that. Moving on:
Whenever someone says to me ‘Oh, I’ve dealt with that’ I don’t believe them. I’ve said that to myself many times and the further I get down the road on this healing journey, the most I realise I have not dealt with it either. The statement isn’t a lie. We have dealt with things as… Read more
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Why do I avoid myself?
Intimacy noun close familiarity or friendship; closeness. Latin Root: “Intimus” means “inmost, innermost, deepest”. My ‘Word of the Year’ for last year was ‘intimacy’. It became glaringly obvious to me that I struggled with closeness of other people. I am a great organiser of events and get togethers, because of my struggle with intimacy. I… Read more
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The best way to cheer yourself up
The best way to cheer yourself up, is to cheer someone else up – Mark Twain Today was a very full on day. A last minute hustle on finishing a friend’s birthday card off, an airport drop off, island hopping to help a friend in need and then the finale of dropping off the belated… Read more
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Discover in the midst of discomfort, a kind of pleasure
‘I hope you are discovering this is an intrinsically pleasant thing to do, even when it hurts. You can discover in the midst of discomfort, a kind of pleasure and a kind of fulfilment. And if you haven’t found that yet, I promise, it is there to be found. Just keep coming back to the… Read more
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Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear
‘Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear – not absence of fear.’ – Mark Twain Today I faced myself in a way I have not done before, and I have fought many battles against myself and my past. I faced a part of me that I buried somewhere deep inside of me. I forgot,… Read more
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Quote: Time
‘Time. Changes faces, changes stories, changes points of view.’ – Trent Dalton – Boy Swallows Universe Today was a hard one. There is a heaviness in me that I can’t see to shake at the moment. I can’t shake it because I am so weighed down by it that I can’t think of what to… Read more
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Self-sabotage is a girl, right?
Blogging every day is difficult. It is only difficult because I am avoiding it all day, until just before I go to bed. I am left with no time to think properly. Self-sabotage in all her glory. Self-sabotage is a girl, right? I am exhausted. Life is moving so fast at the moment. More specifically,… Read more
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I’ve got gaps, yes.
I’ve got gaps, you’ve got gaps. Together, we fill each others gaps. Least that’s how it’s meant to go… Quote from the Rocky movie I’ve never seen. Not sure how it came to be in my Notes app, but I quite like it. Read more
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This is not ‘forgiving’
Forgiving doesn’t mean what happened was okay. It just means you’re letting go of the hopeless wish, that you wish things *could* have been different. You stop saying ‘it shouldn’t have happened’, because, in fact, it *did* happen. Until you accept that fact, you can’t move on. – Reddit BrackenFernAnya Read more
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Sibling Rivalry between my mind and body
I put my left hand to my heart and my right hand to my head. I had been asked to do this last week in my Tools for Trauma class and to notice what I felt. In the class I had felt a power struggle. My mind raced with quick thoughts that I can’t recall… Read more
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Boundaries keep you, and the other person, safe
Last night I asked my dreams what it is that I will be taught. I admitted that I felt lost, very lost. I yearned to know what my higher purpose is. I was gifted these answers, though the dream was chaotic. I could tell which way was up still, sure. But it was endless amounts… Read more
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This is my approach to journaling:
I still remember my resistance to journalling quite fondly. I would try, and seemingly fail, at putting pen to paper. Over and over again I tried. It’s quite revealing to look back on those half formed, half attempted journal entries. If only that version of me knew what lay ahead. I don’t know what kept… Read more
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If you’re struggling with addiction, read this:
Hey, I want you to know you’re not alone. I know how it feels to live in a perpetual cycle of daily addiction. I know what it feels like to think that there was nothing to do that could help how I felt inside except numb, avoid, distract. That’s not true though – you can… Read more
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Today was 10 steps backwards
Today was 10 steps backwards. Two days ago was another 10 steps backwards. I do want to share with you about my guilt trip experience, but that will have to wait. It is astonishing how a certain type of stress can derail the whole operation and put you back so far. It’s the unexpected stress… Read more
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Everything that rises,
Everything that rises, also passes away. – Buddha Literally everything. Kinda morbid, kinda motivating (this too shall pass etc.) but also helps to value the current moment (this moment, these people, this place as it is, is fleeting). Read more
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7P’s: Proper Prior Planning Prevents Piss Poor Performance
Today feels devoid of motivation. Though motivation in its essence is fleeting, unreliable. Instead, it is our habits that get us through each day. Routine is something I have not possessed in this lifetime yet. Keyword: yet My resistance to posting my first blog turned out to this desire to be perfect. Who wants to… Read more
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I found out what I was hiding from myself
Last week I had a dream that I was high up on a hill, away from everything, hiding something in my Ayahuasca blanket. I don’t know what I was ‘away’ from. I don’t know what I was hiding. I don’t know why I was hiding it. I don’t know who I was hiding it from.… Read more
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Denial is not just a river in Egypt
We are going for the trifecta. Three major life event dates falling three days in a row. Today is the anniversary of my abuser’s death. This is the first time I have known this date since it happened. One of the benefits of my memories being wiped. When I found out my Grandad’s death, I… Read more
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Eventually soulmates meet…
“Eventually soulmates meet, as they have the same hiding place” – Robert Brault Today is the day my best friend of 31 years was born. I would be nothing without you. The sister I never had, except better. I love you forever. Thank you for loving me through it all. Especially on the days I… Read more
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I stopped believing in Heaven at 8 years old
I stopped believing in Heaven at 8 years old. While I was at it, I threw God out of the realm of possibilities as well. When my Grandad died, I stopped a lot of things. I stopped my tears from falling. I stopped caring about myself. A distance grew between me and my parents. A… Read more
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Hello world!
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