Rejection seems to be the theme of my experience at the moment. I tried on for size the Rejection Exposure my psychiatrist suggested. Little moments of choosing to take up a little bit more space, and being okay with being told no. Except when I bolding ask for these little moments, I am greeted with ‘yes’ instead.

I had my support group tonight. I shared about my bigger rejections and a tiny glimpse at the pain it causes me. I had tears show up for me in my share. I dissociated when I revealed the main event. I didn’t finish it off as strongly as I would have liked. It was as though my brain stopped working. This is an exposure of a different kind. Being kindly witnessed by those in the group. The response after is a stock standard response. Today I actually heard the voices witnessing me though. A change from normal.

After the session I didn’t know what to do with myself. I was out of my body and skittish (turns out I have been saying ‘skiddish’ all this time – you learn something new every day). I wrote a tiny bit in my Draft 0 for my book. At the end I asked myself what I needed. The answer was a shower and to lay down.

I went to the shower with the intention of sitting at the bottom for an unspecified amount of time, to gather my thoughts. The shower was dirty. I had been putting it off for a while. I somehow now had energy to fix this. I cleaned it and then noticed the shower curtain. Also on my to-do list to cut the bottom off, since well, when we got it a few months ago. I also did not have the capacity to complete this task until this moment. Strike while the iron is hot. I cut it off and it felt great.

At the bottom of the shower with the water running hot, I started a reflection chat with myself. I wish I could recite to you what I said, but my memory is still under reconstruction. I can’t remember what I have thought or said, even only a moment after it has passed. Towards the end though, a part I do remember, I was admiring how amazing my body is. Then I asked my mind to give my body some love. surprisingly, it obliged. Just a little bit, was all I asked. I felt the love. I then asked my body to give my mind some love. Just a little bit. I felt that too. Exposure therapy.

These two hate each other, or should I say frenemies. Each has seemingly betrayed the other in some way. What they don’t realise is it was neither of their fault. It was the situations we were in, repeatedly. Today, for some reason, it felt right to experience love for the other. Extend an olive branch, just to see what would happen.

I then asked my body and my mind to send love to my soul. I won’t admit I know where my soul lives in my Being, but wherever it is, they both obliged. Then I asked my body to give my mind something it needs help with, just a little, like before. It obliged and it was received. I asked my mind to give my body something it needs help with. It obliged and it was received.

I finished my shower off and when I looked at myself in the mirror, I didn’t hate myself. I didn’t hate myself and it also felt like I had never hated myself. Looking in the mirror is mighty difficult for me. There was an extended period of time where I did not look in a mirror period because I could not stand the disgust and repulsion.

I really can’t believe this experience came from me. My idea. My mind, my body, my soul responding in such a way. I guess I really am showing them that I am on their side by consistently showing up every single day.

The other milestone of today was pulling out a cork board I have had for years and done nothing with. I got out my palm card stack and began writing chapters, or topics to explore in my book. I have no clue how the story is going to fit together or what the point is either, but this mapping out felt right. It felt clear. It felt destined.

I am really trying to get on top of my painful life admin lately. One of my Rejection Exposures today was cancelling plans for swimming laps tomorrow. I need a whole day to focus on all the shit I keep putting off. No phone tomorrow either.

Head down, bum up. Get to work. Tomorrow is the full moon and I want tomorrow to be all about cleaning dead energy. My body is purging in the form of my Moon Time. It’s purging hard this time around, probably because I am trusting the process.

I feel utterly depleted and so dog tired. When do you hear anything different to me? Seems that’s my only comment on my state of mind. Clear the physical space, clear your mind. Maybe then I can finally sleep properly.

I will report back.

Lots of love,

Kate