I made a deal with myself. I made a deal with my mind.
The deal was, if we could please compartmentalise my chaotic parts of self, so that we could action tasks on our to-do list, then we could create space for processing the emotional energy that is currently stuck in my shoulder.
My mind agreed. I would action these things on my to-do list, which I commonly label as my ‘things I want to avoid list’.
It worked pretty well. My day wasn’t as streamlined and go-getter attitude as I imagined it would be. But we got a lot done.
We started with the things that were really weighing me down.
Turns out the first item on my list really didn’t take long at all, or much brain power to action. Maybe it felt like that coz the usual noise was duller.
It felt good to complete it. It created space and awareness in me to book my next therapy appointment. I have been avoiding this session for a number of reasons, or excuses: not enough money, not ready yet, this other thing is more important.
The truth is though, I was avoiding it. The next topic to discuss is grooming, and not in the sense of my appearance.
After I booked it, I could feel Little Kate coming up. I decided to journal the things that were running around in my mind, unrelated to actionable tasks, but thoughts I was having and was purposely pushing down and away from my conscious.
I wrote, unfiltered, for maybe a page. Tears flowed down my face at various stages. The statements I wrote prior to the tears instantly erupting from my face, were surprising, and unsurprising at the same time.
Damn, those tears felt SO good to feel. They felt like they belonged to me. And how beautifully they flowed from me. I love them so dearly. I can’t wait to cry more.
I harbour a lot of hurt. I hide behind my mask of ‘everything is fine’ when everything is really not fine.
I am working on taking down my mask. I want to tend to the hurt. I want to free the hurt.
The time feels right.
This is all I can really remember from today. I wish I could detail it properly, but I am unable to recall the details of any given day. One day my memory will work properly. I know this.
It is just not today. And that is perfectly alright. We consistently showed up inconsistently today.
Baby steps, in the right direction.
Lots of love,
Kate and Cora (meow)
Adding the tags for this, I remember I used to play a game with myself: see what the longest word we could find would be. This one is pretty long, it the tag. I remember there being an even longer one and I am determined to remember what it was, using my memory recall. The other thing I want to remember is what my Nan’s white cat’s name was. I remember the black fluffy one was Sooty, but what was the white cat’s name? Time will tell.