I have this weird type of anxiety lately. I worked out late tonight the anxiety comes from the overwhelming feeling of love I am feeling at the moment. My nails I have grown in the last few weeks are beginning to be chewed again. A sign of sinking back down to the level that is familiar.

That’s odd, isn’t it? To feel anxious at the same time you are feeling love. I couldn’t help but feel critical of myself for it. Something’s wrong with me came singing through so clearly. It’s an old song I have been singing to myself for decades. This time when I hear it, it doesn’t feel like it fits. It feels wrong. This is a good thing. It means I am in a transition period.

Transition periods are awkward times, uncomfortable times. Transition periods are times of growth, times of change, times of adaptability.

I am still in this era of one foot in front of the next and also not knowing the direction of my compass. Blindly trusting I will be supported. I don’t know where this trust comes from either. It’s there. It’s been there for a few months now.

The other thing is I have to know everything. Any situation or feeling or thought, I have to question it. I have to know what is is, why it is, how it is. I have to know everything. My former title of Know-It-All rings true, in that I have to know it all. I reached a level of intelligence where I know I know nothing. I do know a lot though. I see things very clearly that other people are blind to. I think I see so clearly coz my world was so muddy for so long. Now that I am out of it, now that I have assessed, analysed, trialed and errored and proven my hypothesis’, I get the gift of knowing, seeing. I am still learning to wield this power.

Back to my point –

I felt my anxiety very strongly. I questioned it. I worked out I was anxious because of the love I was feeling from spending such quality time with my parents. I have craved this for my entire life. Now it is here. Now it is here and it scares me.

I can’t quite work out the connection here. Between the love and the anxiety. I will though. Maybe it is obvious to you. It is a blind spot for me.

I took my parents to see a show tonight. I was all full of love. I noticed the distance between my Mum and me. I noticed I wanted to be closer. Usually there is this invisible barrier between me and other people. I noticed this between my Mum and me. I noticed and I decided to close it. I scooched in close to her and reached for her hand. She embraced it. It wasn’t some movie quality moment. No, it was awkward as we tried to work out how our fingers interlinked. I wasn’t self conscious about it, like I usually would be. When we clapped, we would come apart again and I would think to myself well I guess that’s over. Then when I realised I wanted to hold her hand again, the process would repeat. My heart was singing when I was up close to her. I guess I also realised that I missed out on this type of affection as a kid. I rejected her so often. I rejected myself.

Sitting in the night air by myself, I reflected on this. I wanted to come back inside and tell my parents how much love I was feeling. I was feeling so much love it hurt. I wanted to tell them I am so grateful they still came to visit me even after I told them not to come. I wanted to tell them I felt so hurt by their actions at Christmas I didn’t want them anywhere near me. I wanted to shut them out for shutting me out. I told myself my hurt has a place and is valid, and also that now is not the time to bring it up. I always ruin good moments by bringing up past hurt at the wrong time. Self conscious in a good way about it. It does stray to the realm of doubt though. Still learning to wield that weapon too.

So I went inside and told them my heart was so full of love and I was very grateful they came to see me. They were stoked on hearing that, surprised by hearing those words. Love is contagious.

So I need to work out the connection between anxiety and love. Why I get anxiety with love. It will come in time. For now, I need to keep embracing the love I feel. It’s a new feeling. My heart is still learning how to open.

I am still learning, and I am excited for who I will become.

Lots of love,

Kate