My cousin died yesterday. No warning. Gone. They were only in their 40s.

Working on the farm, driving machinery and it was stopped in the field. My uncle went over to see what was going on. They were slumped over the steering wheel.

Just called Mum and Dad. Dad didn’t want to talk about it. He was there when the ambos were working on them. The rescue helicopter was called but told to stand down when it was on the way. Mum didn’t know about this part until that moment. The withholding of information, or perhaps in this case, simply forgot. I hate not knowing everything. I want the full story. Some people don’t want to tell the whole story.

Apparently they had pulled up the machinery to a safe place, it was still running though. It could have gone over a bank and onto railroad tracks. My Dad, uncles, cousin and the ambos all had to get him out of the cab and down onto the ground to continue working on him. The defibrillator. Shots of adrenaline. CPR. They tried everything, for nearly an hour.

After our call, Dad said to me he was glad we got to talk. To continue building on what we had done when they visited in Canada. That meant a lot to me.

Had a fight today with someone I love. It hurt like hell because I haven’t been talking to them about what’s really going on with me. Haven’t divulged the information for a long time. There is a wedge there. I started trying to explain myself more deeply and it wasn’t wanted. I am not wanted.

I am semi-okay with this. I have myself, and that’s all I need to care or worry about. I think I am having a stress hangover experience. With the therapy and processing I have been doing, with my cousin’s death, with the shift and change of some friendships. Well, the friendships are staying the same, it is me who is different. Everyone is hurting in their own way. I am frustrated by others not growing up with me. It’s not my responsibility to get them to see this. I must leave them where they are. Love them and leave them.

Most of my friendships seem like fair weather friends. That hurts, coz that’s not how I show up for people. Least I think I show up like that when I am able. Right now I really don’t show up for anyone. I can’t afford to. I am trying to get my head above water still. I am looking for an escape, since I heard the news last night. I got a temporary escape in my dream last night, though woke not feeling very good about how I escaped.

There is suffering in learning. There is pain in growing.

I am changing on what seems like a cellular level. A rebirth of myself. It hurts. It’s scary. It is uncharted waters. It is only me at the end of the day. It is me each and every day. It is me at the end of every day.

I was walking around like I was in a dream today. When I told that to Mum and Dad, Dad asked me what that meant. I said it is like I am still asleep and this is all a dream, like it isn’t real.

I feel distance from everyone.

Everywhere I go, there I always am.

Lots of love,

Kate