The hopelessness and helplessness is overwhelming today. Confirmation that nothing I do has any impact. My life is chaos. Every time I try to take action to alleviate something from my psyche, more comes back.

I know this is an emotional flashback from childhood. I know it. I don’t know whether to sit with it, or to avoid the feelings. I just want to go to sleep. Maybe tomorrow will be better.

On top of this, I have decided to do an Inventory of my Pain. I guess it helps to not have a full working memory, yet. The hurt can come in stages. I imagine some of the memories will trigger other memories. This is the process that I have been called to undertake when I am in my deep suicidal ideation.

I also can’t keep up with family, friends, new acquaintances. I want to delete everybody from my life so it is just me to take care of and think of. Isolation helps fight the unkind. What happens when I am the one being unkind to myself? The vicious cycle I am trying to get out of.

No words of hope today.

Lots of love,

Kate