I tried to have my Ideal Day. It didn’t go exactly as I wished it would. I got a lot done. My main achievements for my Soul Purpose were putting pen to paper in two forms. The first was my Journalling Practice. The second was my One Line A Day journal entry. I guess typing this blog would be the third.

I also did some admin work I had been avoiding. In order to do that, I needed to muster all my inner strength. It was failing in the beginning. Then I had a sit down chat with my Ego and my Addictive Self. My Ego has this desire to keep me small and scared, and ultimately ‘safe’. It thinks it is keeping me ‘safe’ but really it is just keeping me in the familiar chaos world that I am trying so desperately to get out of. My Addictive Self is cahoots with my Ego. I think they play off each other. I tried to reason with them that we all needed to work together to get me out of this mess. We have lived enough days in fear and turmoil to deserve a break. I am sure I said a lot more than that, and I wished I had of recorded it but I was very much in the moment. It worked, because when I sat outside for a Mapacho I had an encompassing yellow light halo in my Mind’s Eye. Something that has not been that strong in my time exploring this part of me. When I went back inside, I was able to sit down and take the appropriate action for these tasks I was avoiding. Tasks that, to be quite honest, are things I am very deserving of.

That’s the other thing constantly keeping me back. Doing this that are good for me. I am consistently worried that I am not good enough or undeserving of things that bring me joy.

Separately, or rather, at the same time, a friend had messaged me asking to reconnect. They didn’t do it in a loving way that I expected them to do. Rather, they did a defensive apology, which isn’t really an apology if you ask me. As you can tell, I have some unprocessed anger about this whole thing. My initial response was going to be one from this place of anger. I decided to sit with it. Park it until I felt better about it. What’s some more time on top of the time that has already passed. When I had the Mind’s Eye Halo Effect, love was invited in. Firstly for myself, right. Again it hurt physically. What is with that? Physical pain when experiencing love for myself. Just getting a brainwave now: that’s probably the reason why I don’t want to do kind things for myself. The protective mechanism that swoops in when love is about to enter my life. Shut that down, coz she’s gonna hurt. Damn, that makes a lot of sense. Like my belief that love is tied up with the barbed wires of violation. Hmm… interesting insight. Glad I forced myself to sit down and write this out. I didn’t want to sit down to write this. Again, the resistance in me, trying desperately to protect me from my history of past hurts.

I never regret writing. Whatever form it comes in, however the words come out. Even if I sit there with my journal and write out ‘I hate this. I don’t want to be doing this right now”. Eventually, if I persevere, something else comes out. Usually deeply insightful. Chip away at the caked on dirt of my inner thoughts to find the hidden gem. Faith Through The Middle, as some like to say.

I am in the middle right now. I should unpack this more at some point. I am in the thick of it. In the lull before the rise back to the surface. The descent into hell, being stripped of all the things I give worth to, which I really don’t need, before rising to my true self. All I need is me. Still working out who I am exactly.

I have been the most depressed I have ever been in the last few weeks. I have also been sick the last few weeks. Usually when I get sick or feel depressed, all the wheels come off. Not this time though. I am so grateful for that. The most depressed I have ever been and yet I have been stable. The first time I have wished I wasn’t alive was again today, for only a very small blimp in my day, and the first time in weeks. Might sound glum, but this is an improvement for me. Take the wins, Kate. Today was a good day. It wasn’t perfect, but you tried your best and you got pretty far.

Tomorrow I will try for another Ideal Day. Start with affixing my own oxygen mask. Fill my own cup first, and then, if I have it in me, I can pour from the overflow. Ya know?

Lots of love,

Kate