Today I rode my bike for the first time since I got it a few years ago. What a milestone. I needed help to get up and on the road. My friend came and picked me up and drove me to the water so I could build my confidence riding again.

Damn it felt good. I was like a kid at Christmas, giddy on too much sugar and excitement. It was such a relieving release.

We sat in the sun on the pebble covered beach. It was their birthday yesterday. I asked them what their top three highlights were for the past year. They shared, I listened, preparing what I would write on their birthday card when they were finished, ensuring I picked up on the main feelings they enjoyed embodying.

I did a silly party trick I had learned last week and it made us laugh so hard. They I used the Unicorn Pen to write a list of feelings I hoped for their next sun rotation.

I came home, ate a high protein meal and then prepared for my Incest Surviour Support Group.

The line that hit home for me today in the reading was “We are unable to feel close to anyone”.

This made me tear up. I have lost so much from the abuse. Relationships being the biggest, consistent, ongoing loss for me. I reflected on why and when it was my turn to speak, I tried not to get caught up in not remembering what I had just said and how it would relate to the next thing I would say. I cannot wait for this confusing knot in my brain to uncurl itself.

How I would like to remember where I am going with a story. How I wish to not dissociate during a conversation. How I wish to remember what someone has just said. How I would love for the pieces of the conversation to form a puzzle where I can see the picture forming, rather than just experiencing single puzzle pieces with no clue how they relate, pieces that fade almost as quickly as I see them.

I still have the knot in my back. I have had a few releases. I can feel like it is moving, ever so slowly. I am trying hard to be patient with it. I am trying not to get frustrated with it.

I have no plans for the next 5 days. I asked my mind what it needed in order to aid this release in my back. My mind responded with something to the effect of things are too busy up there to accept any more inputs. Fair enough. I countered with it that I knew the endless list she was referring to, and I would gladly take action if I could have some assistance with compartmentalising some of my difficult coworker internal workings that were preventing me from completing these tasks.

I would be glad to work through these internal workings, to soothe them, process them and find new jobs for them. We were in a ‘putting the horse before the cart’ type situation. This feedback loop which is spinning our tires and wasting so much of our valuable energy sources which are already depleted.

My mind agreed to help. I agreed to take action. I do believe we will be able to get through our long laundry lists. I know it will help create breathing room for us. I don’t want the back release to come too soon. We need at least one decent sleep so we have all the chances of processing this in the most level headed of ways. I know this release does not warrant being level headed, but I need to be able to channel our energy in the right outlets. I don’t want to be bleeding all over anyone, except myself.

She also asked, I think, for me to take a break on reading my Support Group healing book.

I tidied before and the place looks great. It is finally hot in my house. Only took all year to warm up.

Oh yeah, and I was wearing my ‘Making New Friends’ t-shirt today. It is a young boy waving at a spiritual being. When I was talking out loud to myself about being in the plant medicine world, I could feel they really enjoyed that. Either that, or not happy about it, I still can’t woke out when I am doing good things and when I am doing bad things. My rewiring needs some work, some more clues.

Off to bed sunburnt and sore.

Lots of love,

Kate