I wish I had blogged on the days I didn’t post, as a record, but I didn’t have it in me. The purpose of this blog is to get to know myself. To document my process and show how healing is possible. Healing is also messy and not in a linear direction, as you have probably realised from my entries.

It is just for me. I am so glad you have decided to show some interest too. Thank you for reading.

My inner world has been chaos. I feel ruled by something larger than me. I do believe it is my Super Ego, created when I was a child. This one has a hold over me like no other. Doing as it pleases, running the ship.

I have had enough.

Last night, at nearly 12am I wrote in my journal exactly this.

Today was going to be a day where I took control back. I waste so much of my life on avoiding my feelings. The pain of avoiding my feelings is finally smaller than the pain of facing them. I want a life for myself. A real life. A life where I am taking action and doing things that benefit me, rather than letting life happen to me.

Today I reduced my screen time to one hour.

A triumph.

Still, when I went to check how much time I spent on my phone, I was disappointed by the one hour. I thought it would be less than that. When I double checked the stats, I realised I had spent 20 minutes writing in my notes section. That time still counts. I could have written on my computer, or in a notebook instead.

I have been trying to process this pain in the left side of my neck. It feels like it is going to be a huge release. I meditated for about an hour today, and it nearly killed me. Parts of my Super Ego trying to tell me I was hungry, I was tired, I needed to lay down, I needed to move, I needed to do anything other than allow this pain to move from my neck to my mind. It would be too much I was told.

I am pretty stoked with my efforts. It is probably the longest I have ever sat as still and as focused as that. A win in my books. I also felt a clarity in my mind I have not felt before. A focus, an absence of noise. It was a temporary reprieve, of which I am very grateful.

I read my Incest Survivor Support Group readings. I finished off ‘Reparenting’ which I wondered through it if I should send to my Mum to read as well, as when I mentioned reparenting myself to her she took offence. I will think on that one. The other one I read was a transcript from the creator of the group from back in the 1990’s. I have my highlighters out, and I read it out loud to myself. I write notes in the border.

I had two unexpected crying releases during these readings. As quickly as the tears came up, they were pushed back down again. Right on cue. I was a little frustrated by this. The first set of tears was when reading about the Inner Child’s desire to get something from their caretakers. Funny to write this out, when only just before I am wondering if I should send my Mum the pamphlet. Ahhh, the force is strong in this one. Apparently we may need to let go of this one. Jury is still out.

The second lot of tears was from the ‘not being believed’ section and the accompanying statement that ‘children only lie to get out of trouble, not into it’. Potent. I loved reading this. It was extremely validating.

The intensity of my tears today reminds me of the worst sleep in a very long time from last night.

Couldn’t get to sleep, mainly from the neck pain, and not knowing how to make it release it itself. Apparently, love and patience with it and NOT trying to move it is what will help it release. I can never seem to learn this.

When I finally got to sleep, I woke myself up from hysterically crying. Even with being half asleep, I was still trying to be as quiet as possible. I don’t know how to undo this learned behaviour either.

The tears felt very good though. They felt like they belonged to me. I want more of them.

How badly do I long to cry my real, well deserved tears.

Tonight, while desperately trying to find where I put my computer, I was walking around the house looking in frustration at all the tasks I have avoided finishing off. I want to work on these. The removal of further noise from my life.

Someone needs to turn down the noise, and the responsibly falls directly at my feet. The Adult part of me, who is responsible for freeing my Inner Child.

I love you, Little Kate, and all the Kate’s that exist within me.

Lots of love,

Kate