“I am not who you think I am. You are who you think I am.”

Helping with the processing of my present day rejection wounds.

Today I felt chaotic, to say the very least. I tuned in with Little Kate and asked her how she was feeling. I asked this as immediately prior to this I was internally expressing how much I hated everyone. I realised in this moment, this was my inner projection onto the world. I didn’t actually know how I was feeling. I asked the question, and Little Kate responded “Helpless”. That feeling of not knowing what to do or how to be. Everything feels overwhelming. I decided tomorrow was cancelled. We could sleep as long as we liked and no expectations tomorrow (This changed when I was writing down all the things needed to be done tomorrow for my trip away, but I didn’t know this at the time. The power of denial). Little Kate told me she wanted to do the puzzle. I said we will wait until everyone is asleep, coz I did not want to see or talk to anyone. She told me “no, I want to do it with them”.

So I put my Big Girl Pants on and went inside to communicate this to the team. I expressed Little Kate’s need to do puzzling with them, and the contradiction was that I didn’t want to be doing it with them. Naturally they were confused, and a little hurt. I did also explain that I am going through a really hard time at the moment, my hatred is not personal, I hate everyone right now.

Anyway, we did the puzzle. It was very fun. The message from the puzzle was so profound for what’s going on in my life. If I was a proper blogger, I would have taken quality content photos to add to this text blog, give it some life. But I am not, yet.

Basically, everything is going to change. Nothing stays the same, as much as we might want it to, or not want it to.

And so that brings me back to the quote. It actually fits perfectly with another story arc in my life which I took bold loving action for myself today.

I wasn’t invited to a Hen’s night for a wedding I am apparently also invited to. I was making up scenarios in my head about why they left me out. If I listed out all the scenarios I came up with, well, you’d probably see why things aren’t good for me at the moment. I decided to reach out to the bride to apologise for not being there. I said I wanted to but I didn’t know about it. I also added, that for transparency, if I purposely wasn’t invited could she please let me know as it is helpful in my healing journey. I wished her lots of love and I hope she was a great time.

I want to know the reason I wasn’t invited. Was it because of perceptions, assumptions, what was it? I don’t think I am mad about it. I am certainly disappointed I wasn’t at least invited, ya know. The Storyteller in my mind can make up some pretty wild scenarios that may or may not have played out. The problem with this Storyteller, is that a lot of the situations dreamed up have actually come true. So it’s not unreasonable to daydream this stuff. What is unreasonable is how much time, energy and effort this takes up in my day, takes up in my system. I would just prefer to ask outright. This might not be right, or appreciated, and I don’t really care what the reason is. Actually, that is not true. I do care what the reason is. I want to know the truth. I don’t want it skewed or softened. Just tell me outright. Then I can deal with that reality and move on.

The other thing I am longing for is to be inspired by people. I think this one is for another time, once I have had time to mull it over.

Today was a day of learning. I definitely went backwards quite a few steps. I think I came forwards again too, in the same day.

I also dreamed last night that I found my diamond pendant. I am going to email the hotel again to ask them to look again, to ask them to please ask the staff.

Maybe this physical and digital purge I am undertaking is already working wonders.

Remember: there is suffering in learning.

And then there is relief.

Lots of love,

Kate