If your elderly cat wets your bed just before you are about to get in it, is this a good omen? Very late at night and I am now forced to wash the beautiful handmade blanket made for me by someone that loves me. Colour catchers better do what they are meant to, and the wise people on Reddit better know what they are talking about.

I sound salty, but really I am not. Poor old gal is not doing well today. I have been wondering when her last day is for more than a year now. Pre-grieving, I think it’s called. Least, that’s what I call it. I am half convinced Cora was sent to me from someone, somewhere in order for me to survive through this incredibly dark period of my life. Maybe part of my resistance to getting better, or part of my avoidance is thinking once I get better, she will leave this earth. She is my guardian angel. I will be so lost without her comfort through the dark days, and her love given to me so freely on every day. I need to adopt her asap. I am taking this as a sign to take action.

Speaking of grief, I went and checked on my neighbour today. She told me she was listening to Abba and having a little cry, as that was their favourite music. They used past tense, and so will I. I guess because of the dementia, they wouldn’t remember their favourite music. Damn.

When I got home, I called to check in. I wanted to know if they wanted some pizza we had just ordered. They said no. They shared they had a big cry session today. I said I was glad to hear that. I meant it. This type of hurt needs to be released. I wish they would let me in. I really don’t know how to help or what to do. I certain don’t want to fix it. I want them to know I am here for them. I don’t think I am trying to fix it, at least.

My head hurts. I think I am dehydrated. I came out to the lounge to settle Cora down. She was doing these weird meow howls. Ones I haven’t heard before. I don’t want her to sleep with me tonight, mainly coz I need sleep. So I came out here to sit with her and settle her down. She is listening intently as I type away.

I sat outside just before, in the cool night air. I asked for help with my Impulsive Self. I know I am avoiding some deep feelings by following the lead of my Impulsive Self. It is harmless stuff, but I realise on some limited level the avoidance that is taking place. Almost as soon as I set this intention, I was on my phone texting a friend about plans for tomorrow, even though I had just said I am not sure what tomorrow should bring. Then it was onto the playlist. This is the type of games I am talking about. I can’t formulate a plan or take action accordingly as I am taken onto the next task and the next, without finishing my first task. These are ADHD symptoms, I know this. The endless thought rotation. The half started tasks, the half finished tasks, the million ideas swirling in my head with no real plan to follow anything through to the very end. It leaves me so frustrated with myself.

I went to the bathroom as was given a tiny glance at what it is I am avoiding. So I verbalised it. I spoke it. Even though my Shame did not want it acknowledged. When you speak what Shame wants keep hidden, you begin to uncover the path to healing. I have done it many times. Shame keeps you stuck. I spoke it. Now what to do with it. In my own process, I need to write about it. My Thinking Self kicked in almost immediately and had so many ideas on which ways to explore this hurt. Too much for today.

Even though I really wanted to veg out and watch TV tonight, I chose to puzzle instead. My intention for help with my Impulsive Self already at play.

They are subtle hints, and you must pay attention to them. You can listen, or not. The choice is still yours. But you will know whether things are in or out of alignment afterwards. I guess only if you listen to what your body is telling you.

I felt great after the puzzle session. Exhausted from the day, but great all the same.

I played an old playlist, both after I set the intention and when puzzling. I had talked about with a friend today. The playlist is called ‘Morning Thoughts’. It’s airy and light and gets me thinking. The first song on the playlist is Rainbow Kitten Surprise – It’s Called: Free Fall. Honestly, it felt like a hidden message sent me by my Past Self. Like she knew we needed to hear it. I listened to the song 4 times, singing out loud while I tried to work out what the song was trying to say, and which part I related to the most. It was an expansive experience. I felt the same openness with most of the songs that followed on shuffle. The reason I was talking to my friend about it was I was trying to explain why I wasn’t going for regular walks anymore. I said my music was annoying me, so disorganised. And yet, this playlist sprang to mind as we were speaking. I’d forgotten about it. Nothing is ever a coincidence.

I went tubing today with some friends. My reward for the hard slog of existing the last week of this life. I need a defined weekend where I am rewarded with fun and relaxing times. Recreation.

Anyway, I am proud of myself for lovingly setting my boundaries with my friends about my spiritual journey at the moment, by requesting no touch. This is an incredibly difficult thing for me to do. I have largely failed at it for the last 6 months. Today I had the strength and power to actualise it. It felt good. I did my best to stand tall and proud. I held my hands in prayer in front of me when making the request. Usually I cower and pull away to the side, making it very awkward for all involved. This cowering could seem like I am physically repulsed by the person offering the hug. This new way was much gentler for all involved.

Washing is finished and I feel like I am waffling. I feel outside my body right now. Odd. Cora is kinda happy. I hope she falls asleep soon and doesn’t bellow for me when I go to my room.

See what tomorrow brings.

Oh, the other thing was, I woke up at 7.30am this morning without an alarm, although with minimal sleep. The urge to go back to bed was huge. I resisted and got up, got dressed and went shopping for breakfast items. I came back, made breakfast for myself, ate calmly and then got prepped and ready for the day. Usually with that lack of sleep I wouldn’t be able to function. This is two days in a row I have gotten up at the same time. I have fought so hard for this. It is still early days, but I am on the right path.

I also realised tonight that I am walking this path alone.