I am 6 months clean today. I forgot about it until just before. I am not even sure how I feel about it. I half cried before. The longing to cry but I just couldn’t squeeze any liquid out of my eyes.

I received the sweetest thank you note from our neighbours this morning. “less frenetic, more secure energy has invaded our home. Anxiousness has become acceptance”. Speechless, I was. Speechless, I am. When I first read the note, something in me wouldn’t let me feel the full range of emotions. Shops shut, no more orders. So weird I am like this. Even when I read it just now to get the quote, I am not permitted to feel it fully.

I shared the note with a friend. They reassured and encouraged me. If this is the impact a short letter has on someone, imagine what your book it going to do. “You are a good writer. You have a way with words.” I wish I could remember what was said properly. There was more. Something in my brain shut it off.

Today I felt dissociating very strongly. I nearly didn’t catch it to pull myself out of it. It’s a constant game of cat and mouse with this presence BS.

Honestly, I feel defeated right now. I feel like everything is hopeless. I feel like there is no point in anything I do or say. I hate everyone. Hey, at least it’s not hating myself though, right.

This is for sure a test. It’s probably a flashback to childhood feelings. I don’t know what to do with them. Labelling is a good start. Is it a flashback though, or is it how I feel? This whole process is so confusing.

Today was also my brother’s birthday. He still hasn’t spoken to me in a long time. I sent him a voice note of me singing. If he didn’t hate me before, he will hate me for that. The painful sound of a sister he hates. Maybe it will make him laugh at least. Who knows. It’s an olive branch. This morning when I sent it I knew his silence wouldn’t break me. Guess now I am in this slump, my tune has changed. It’s important to remember how things can change internally so quickly.

I am doing my best, and my best is not enough. If this is a test, which I am going to test if it is, I am going to keep showing up imperfectly as I have been. Just flail in the general direction I have been going.

I can feel myself craving order and discipline. This is so unlike me. I managed to tick off a whole bunch of mediocre, painful errands today. I made good progress. Progress is progress, no matter how slow.

I can’t believe I am 6 months clean. I also felt like I had no one to tell the news to either. Maybe I just need to sit with it alone with myself for a bit. Or think about 10 things I learned in that 6 month timeframe. What did I get from this achievement? Part of me still longs for the ketamine. Maybe that’s the test. Another purge of it. Do I really want it gone from my life?

The cravings I have been getting from it lately is a longing for escapism. Get me outta here, is what I am feeling. Is this the hopelessness?

All I know is I need some proper sleep. It’s been weeks of this unable to get to sleep business. It’s getting old, and my psyche is feeling old now too. I wake up feeling like I have been partying, which is a sick joke. Once you give up partying, you’re meant to have the best sleeps of your life.

I will be grumpy AF tomorrow if I do not get some deep sleep.

Thanks for sticking with my ramble. If only I had something decent to say. Maybe that is another submission for the Inner Critic Olympics. My counter: I do have decent things to say. Trouble is, I don’t make time for it. I am scared of what I have to say.

Tomorrow is a day for formulating a plan. Where do I want to go from here?

Lots of love,

Kate