If someone you love, someone you care about, decided not to tell you something about themselves for a number of months, is it okay to be hurt by that? The absence of sharing personal details.
I can’t work out if I am feeling these feelings because I am upset by the news finally shared with me, or because I am hurt the news was withheld from me.
It’s the usual feelings you’d expect: sadness, anger, disappointment, fear, I guess shock in there too.
I think what hurts most is I am not deemed as worthy to be granted this information. I am not trusted to be of aid in these times.
I am not trustworthy.
Feeling my feelings, in general, is quite a new development for me. So when they all came over for dinner unexpectedly, I reminded myself I wanted to feel. I felt the overwhelm of it all, and I wanted them to stay with me. I wanted to be with them. I wanted to experience all of these things.
True to form, when I actually make space and time to feel them, my busy mind starts hitting me with all these thoughts about everything else going on in my mind. The laundry lists of things I haven’t finished or have ignored or forgotten about in the last few months.
The feelings they get buried down, again. I am unsure if and when I will be graced with them again.
The information was withheld for a reason, sure. I respect their choice. I didn’t say much in the moment either.
I think part of it is betrayal too. I haven’t gotten to journaling or thinking about this in a deeper sense. The last few months feel like a lie.
I am built the opposite. Probably too much so. I want whole truth and nothing but the truth. This question of whether or not to tell the truth reminds me of this documentary I just watched. Supppppper interesting.
It’s called Tell Me Who I Am. It explores the truth in a fascinating way. Highly recommend. Remember, I am a serial movie ending ruiner, so just watch it for yourself. See if you get what I am saying from that.
This is spiralling me right into my trust issues.
Why didn’t they tell me?
Lots of love,
Kate