The opposite of hate, is not love. It’s apathy.
The antidote to hate is love, though.
Today I was a brave little girl and let a little bit of love into my heart, my broken heart.
My mission, should I choose to accept it, is to melt the shame that glued the broken pieces of my heart back together. I do this with love. Yet love scares me. It scares the shit out of me.
I am trying. The road to forgiveness, my path to self-forgiveness is being revealed. There is a transition period, for sure, between where I am and where I want to be.
Letting that little bit of love into my heart for only a very short time, maybe less than a minute, maybe a few minutes, caused such a stir in me that I had such a completely different day compared to how I woke up. I woke up angry. For me to feel anger at all, so easily and openly, is weird. To wake up angry is even weirder. I was in such a foul mood. I kept my promise to myself to do my morning stretches. A new routine, a new habit which I resist so infuriatingly. I know it is good for me, I do. Yet I resist.
Why?
Because of shame. Toxic shame.
I only just found a book which details what it Toxic Shame is, how it came about, how it is keeping me stuck. I am not quite up to the part about how to undo it, though. Just doing the next right step for me.
I am still sabotaging sleep at night, at a normal time. I am trying not to beat up on myself though. Sleep will come in time.
Real sleep. Restful sleep.
The tide is turning. Be patient, whippersnapper. You can’t have it all at once. Slowly, slowly. Step by step.
I have big plans for myself tomorrow. I hope they come to fruition.
Today I also came up with the idea of where to put all my anxious thoughts. The ones my Toxic Shame and Inner Critic beat up on me about. When I have completed a task, it is almost instant for me to be stressed out about the next thing. What happens is it dog piles on me so I get so overwhelmed I can’t think straight to take action on anything. I wish so much this wasn’t true. I will fight back. I will fight myself on this. I will learn to love all the parts of me that I hate.
The antidote to hate is love.
Lots of love,
Kate