My parents left to go back home today. I am left with a kaleidoscope of emotions. A mixed bag of everything all at once. I am still feeling like I am in a waking dream. My Sadness came up for a brief moment. It was too much at the wrong time in the wrong place. I asked for a bit of space. I guess that’s the dreaming feeling.
I asked my Dad if he said goodbye to Cora. He said he most definitely did, and she gave him a little kiss, on his forehead. I swooned. Then he confessed he actually asked her to give him one, which made me laugh with glee over how smitten he is for her. And honestly, she is smitten for him. Mum said she didn’t get a kiss, and I truly believe she was too shy to ask for what she wanted from her. Cora was smitten with Mum too. I love my cat more than anything, if I’m honest. So this exchange of love between them means the world to me.
As part of our Goodbye Activities, maybe See You Later Activities, I took them to a park where they were flying out from. I asked them to put an intention into the trinkets I got for them in Peru. I did Mapacho on them. I then asked what they were thinking and followed with asking how they were feeling. I got to share how I was feeling and what I was thinking too. It felt expansive. It felt open. It was beautiful.
It was what I deserved.
There are many loose ends that I do not deserve too, but I am trying to go slowly with them. I am trying to meet them where they are at and inspire them to move forward and upwards with me.
Guilt. Dissociation. Denial. These things, amongst others, are protecting them from other parts of themselves.
I feel so ill prepared for my next Ayahuasca retreat. I know I will find the way forward and I will receive what I am meant to receive. I am proud of myself for how I have shown up for myself and for my parents these last few weeks. I also wish I had done better. Both things can be true at the same time. I am reminding myself right now I am in a transition phase. I can’t be perfect from the outset. The wounds I carry with me are deep and infected, some still oozing.
When I know better, I do better. Just not yet. Patience, young whippersnapper.
On a separate note, I got the second highest score in the history of our Five Crowns card game. It feels really good to be using my brain in that way again. Incredibly rewarding. It is helping me with mental maths, though I am still very slow. The strategy and calculations helps my brain to feel like she’s at home. I really do look forward to going back to work, eventually.
I am working so hard at getting to a new normal. I still struggle with shame and guilt with being off for so long. I am trying to put those feelings to the side. Maybe I shouldn’t put them to the side. Maybe I need to make friends with them in this context to incite more change in myself and my return to work approach. I can do better in many ways. At the same time, I have to tread very carefully with taking on too much, too soon.
I didn’t want to come on here and write today, tonight. So many excuses I could have used. You don’t need a perfect plan. You need consistency.
Lots of love,
Kate