I am not used to doing these blogs so early in the day. It does feel good. Take note, Kate, of this feeling of achievement being a long way from bedtime.

I keep telling myself I don’t know what my intention for this ceremony or weekend is. But that is a lie. I do know.

I am here to fight for the little girls inside of me. I want to set them free.

I want to deeply my relationship with my plant medicine, Ajo Sacha.

This is adapted from my journal entry a few hours ago, after I woke from an epic midday nap. I got 10.5 hours last night and when I woke I knew I needed more. I am feeling good now.

Before my nap, I had visions of a few new entities. It could have been the same one in different forms, I am not sure. I also had way more little blue dots playing together, in the lower realm of my consciousness / visual field.

This is what I wrote:

I don’t know my intention still. I want to open my diet more with Ajo Sacha, under Maestro. That feels right at least. I am at the point in my healing where I don’t know which way to go. I don’t know what I need. I feel like I can see most of the puzzle pieces of my story, the ones I am aware of, at least. I have had a look, a good look, at each piece but I haven’t finished the full depth of healing, for any of them perhaps. Then there’s the puzzle pieces I don’t know, the ones I have zero awareness of.

I was repeatedly sexually abused as a child. I asked for help in the way that I could, and it help was denied. Not only denied, but I was gaslit as well. Branded as a liar by my immediate family, so much so other family members jokingly called me a liar too. My therapist tells me I was way beyond neglected. I don’t know what the right word is to describe that, but it feels like a slow form of torture. It was not just one person, but many, and they are all males on my Dad’s side. My Dad did not abuse me.

The damage caused to me, there is the abuse, for sure, that’s one part of it. But what it really did to me was destroy every relationship around me, and it annihilated the relationship I have with myself. It detonated my sense of self.

To cope, my mind and body split from each other, so I walked around like a zombie, constantly on autopilot, rarely in the present moment. Part of that split / survival mechanism are my memories being wiped completely. That’s not an exaggeration either. I haven’t been able to remember the good or the bad memories. In the medical world, they call it amnesia. The worst part is I can’t remember what I can’t remember.

I want to remember my life – all of it. I want to process my life so I can move forward. All of those “forgotten” memories hold a key for moving forward. I feel stuck in many aspects of my life in the present day, and not from lack of trying to find resolve. I work very had to untangle the knots in my mind, body, soul and spirit. In my current healing, many knots have been pulled tight where I am left in awe of ‘Oh, that’s how it was always meant to feel’.

The abuse has affected me deep within my core. The impacts are still felt in the present day. If some more, or even just one of those knots holding me back, could be pulled tight, I will be content with this experience.

I need help to free the little girls inside of me. I will fight for them until my last breath, until they are free. The lonely, lost, heartbroken little girls inside of me are my reason for being here. I will never stop fighting for those little girls. Setting them free is my intention.

~~~

While I was writing this out and having a moment to myself, someone from the group came over to speak with me. We had a great conversation about parents and kids and the different dynamics. Theirs from a hurt parental aspect, mine from the hurt kid aspect. It was interesting, the juxtaposition.

I feel ill prepared, and as prepared as I will ever be. We are about to start ceremony. Hopefully report back on the other side tomorrow, but I must see how I land and what is best for me. I have fasted now for 48 hours. The smell of food is hypnotic. I can’t wait to eat, in good time.

I am really proud of myself. I am so proud of the person I am becoming, the person I am, the person who keeps showing up every day, even though I more than often feel like I don’t know what I am doing. How do you run a marathon? One foot in front of the other until you reach the finish line.

My therapist tells me that the road to healing is a lifelong journey. I get this, I do, but my current focus is this mountain I have been climbing for a long time. I have been on a gently sloped plateau for a few months, enjoying the reprieve. There has been a moment where I have longed for the quick approach of the bottom, but we moved out of that slowly with love. I believe this weekend, this weekend with Maestro, in this space, is climbing to the summit of the mountain. Maybe my expectations are too high.

I will surrender to the process. I will surrender to the plant medicines. I will surrender to the high powers. There’s nothing else I can do at this stage.

I was born ready.

Lots of love,

Kate