Last night was a different Ayahuasca experience than I have had previously. There was a lot of darkness. A golden orb opened up shortly after I drank the medicine. I wonder if it was my plant medicine. It was like a blocked drain or exhaust fan that does not work properly. I tried to think of what the darkness was. Maybe my ketamine use, could be my alcohol use, or any of the many other drugs I have taken in my life. I said thank you for leaving me.
As I was watching the darkness get taken from me, the fun, exuberant, playful, creative, cheeky side of me come out to play. I was trying to work out how to explain the blocked drain or broken exhaust analogy in the share session after ceremony. I likened it to cooking in the kitchen when someone I love comes in to say unhelpful things like ‘Can I help with anything. What’s the next step?’ If you are anything like me, I don’t know what step I am on, let alone what step you could help me with. I fly by the seam of my pants in most, if not all, things in life. Then they proceed by being annoying by opening draws right in front of where I am panic cooking. to put away the clean items they have tidied up for me. I am one of those cooks who uses absolutely every plate, pan, utensil in the existence of the kitchen, all at once, and for not very long. My process needs work and I don’t need someone there reminding me of my every failure when I am trying to cook something nourishing and flavourful. Somehow, surprisingly to all involved, what I cook usually turns out bloody delicious most of the time, even if I do forget one whole ingredient almost always. Guess I should refer to the recipe after all.
Of course this monologue playing out has me distracted from the task at hand. The Being who was visited me is patiently waiting for me to pay attention again, instead getting off on my own story telling. I am so relieved to have this part of me back in my life. I yearn to integrate her. If you know me, or meet me on a certain day, hour, minute, you will know that I sit in the heaviness of my being more often than not. The spark this ignited is what people love about me. I experience her so infrequently I forget she exists. I believe this is related to my shunning of doing the things in life that make me feel good. I would love to know what this resistance is. I have tried to understand it myself, but I don’t get very far with it. The resistance in me is very strong and I fall down and surrender to the many excuses that haunt me. Why do I not want to feel good about myself? This holds me back in so many avenues of my life. I will add this to my current laundry list of intentions for tonight. So much for not knowing what I want.
Some things that happened last night feel too personal to share. I want to share, but it involves other people who deserve their chance to speak about it first.
At one stage I purged all of my medicine – two cups. The effect of the medicine was gone. I asked for more and was told ‘No, go and sit with your experience, the ceremony is almost over’. I went and sat with my experience and realised it was not done. I went over and asked for more please, just a little bit. My request was granted. The Being came back to me. There are a series of events which are too long to share.
One was my trust issues with my Dad, which is too long and personal. I had a recurring theme of my trust issues coming up though. In a few previous ceremonies, I have witnessed my trust issues being carried away on a Santa sleigh. Why is this happening again? I realised I haven’t integrate this yet. Ya dummy. Of course they are going to keep coming back. My trust issues relating to myself came from my lack of trust in myself, my lack of trust in the Being and the Being’s intentions, I am so scared of being hurt. I also couldn’t trust my decision to trust the Being. I also didn’t know who the Being was. Was it my plant medicine? So many parts seemed familiar, but that’s not my experience with this Being. I also haven’t been told what this Being’s name is, who it is. The Being also doesn’t talk to me very much. I need clear communication to be able to trust. I am sure this is a lesson in surrender, and not knowing who I am and what I am made of in order to back myself and my choices.
The second was deciding to ask the plant medicine for my deepest desire – the return of my memories. I decided to test the waters first by asking for my short term memory to come back to me. I would love to be able to remember what someone I care about has said to me. I care deeply and very openly, and so to forget these shares with me, it hurts my heart, my being. The Being did this seemingly with ease. So then I was brave, and asked for my long term memory. The Being had not shown me much in terms of what was happening in its process. But for the long term memory, it showed me where they were housed. It looked like the Memory Palace in the Pixar movie Inside Out. It took me awhile to work out what I was looking out, exactly. I could see the bookshelves, it showed me the many levels in the Palace. Eventually I worked out all the shelves were empty. All of them. My heart broke a little, but for some reason I did not lose hope. I asked the Being where the memories might be stored. They went away for a while and came back and began placing the large, heavy books of memories back on the shelf. I could feel everyone they placed individually. I am sure there are more so I will ask for help with integrating that.
This morning I could not remember any long term memories. My short term memory was working a lot better. I could recall from the night before. I was getting distracted by my thoughts as well. I kept getting pulled back to the Being to continue working with them. Though I am not sure how diligent of a student I was. Actually I was not diligent at all.
I am on hour 72 of my fast for this process. This matches the longest time I have fasted for, which was at my last Ayahuasca retreat, when I broke it at this point. I am not in uncharted territory. I am trying to channel the hunger and exhaustion into a different energising place, though I am only a novice. I don’t know what I am doing. Just trying my hardest to make the next right step.
A lot more happened in the night, but this is all I can muster right now. Maybe I am able to channel the energy I am feeling like I lack, after all.
To tie it all back to the first experience with the Darkness, when I woke in the morning, after a restful but not restful sleep, I asked Mapacho for help to integrate what I had learned and the Darkness came up first. I thought it was purging the ketamine, alcohol and other toxins, however the thought came to me almost immediately that the Darkness was Death that plagued my soul. Death has come to me many, many times in my life. I had an emotional release at this point, so it felt correct. The next thought was that is was Death my soul yearned for. This felt right too. I then was told to go to sleep. Before I fell asleep, the Maestro came to visit me. In share circle when I mentioned this, he asked what it is I wanted? ‘Did I ask for Duck soup?’, he said with a mischievous chuckle. I realised in the moment I had forgotten to talk to him, to ask him what he was there for.
I am off for another Power Nap. Another hour and a half before we start the next ceremony.
My intention for tonight is much of the same. I want to add to it, or maybe focus solely on understanding my Mind. Poor girl has gone through so much. I can’t remember what I don’t remember and so I don’t know the steps of when things went haywire when I was growing up. Getting in touch with her will help with many aspects of my life. I’d love to know how to access my long term memory, how to maximise my short term memories abilities, how to not be so exhausted all the time. See how I go. I feel like strengthening and freeing my mind is the right step forward. This is only being revealed to me now. My Mind is after all, my greatest asset. She is only working a fraction of her abilities, from all this extra energy to “hold it all together”. Time will tell. I have many other things to ask for help on too, should I not get very far with my incredible strong mind.
If any of this resonated, or a question comes burning to the surface, please let me know your thoughts. Talking with others about my experience helps to reveal blockages in myself.
Lots of love,
Kate