Every step in my healing career has been a surprise, and yet today took me completely unawares.

I don’t know how much I have in me to detail what happened. A supposedly close confidant took action on my behalf without asking my permission, input, feedback. This person has been in my corner for a long time. The conversation two days ago seemed to spark inspiration to take matters into their hands. They typed my story into AI to get advice on what to do and how to help me. After said crime, they showed me, I think expecting me to sing praises. All I had to see was my name written there to completely shut down.

Contempt seems like the correct description. I am not sure if I can forgive. I certainly won’t forget. They aren’t sorry either. A true test of my Forgiveness Practice. I feel fiercely protective of this hurt I am feeling.

My trust in this person feels completely annihilated.

My hand was then forced to be played to have a follow up conversation with my parents. It did not go well.

Once again I am left holding the bag. I am completely alone. I don’t want to be here anymore. I don’t want them in my life. I don’t want anyone in my life. I just want a life with me and my cat Cora.

Maybe sleep will help. Maybe not.

Last night, before sleep, I had asked my plant medicine for help. I went to bed late. I woke twice. The first to a purge in my right leg. The second to a purge in my left leg. Excruciating pain. I have had a similar purge like this before when I was in Peru for my Ayahuasca “retreat”. While the experience was painful, I was held safely with the medicine, meaning I am pretty sure some sort of pain nodule in my brain was numbed in order for that to occur. It was still incredibly painful. Last night I was without the aid of the numbness. I woke violently both times. The pain was unbearable. If I had more sleep, or if I wasn’t feeling so delicate, maybe I could have accepted it more. I have asked for more help tonight too.

There is a First Nation clown who gets the opposite of their intention. I have said before, when I first heard this story, I said straight away, “I am one of those clowns”. I wished for love and I got violation.

I am tossing up whether I need therapy again next week before I go to my Ayahuasca ceremony. Part of me says yes, part of me says the ceremonies will help. I keep imagining the people I see asking me how I am. They will see the life drained from my face. They will see my ugliness. They will see my self hatred. I swear I age 10 years when dealing with feelings of this scale.

My fragile heart can’t handle these continued heartbreaks. It is so scared of being shattered into dust.

Off to sleep.

Lots of love,

Kate