Last night was interesting, confusing and when I woke this morning I couldn’t remember anything from the night before, except the last experience.

I could remember a Being coming to visit me when I was back inside the house in the aircon. I had said repeatedly ‘I am not done yet’. So I was both expecting them to come and find me and also would have been okay if they didn’t come for me.

It was a Being I had never met before. Instead of asking my laundry list of intentions, I decided to change my approach. I surrendered to their wise offerings and asked them to make as assessment and give to me what they thought I needed.

My vision was of a cityscape with cars and buses and green spaces. Everything appeared light like the old school tv show The Busy World of Richard Scarry. Another thing I forgot that I loved – putting that on my list of shows to watch and reconnect with. Watching the lightness, I started wondering if all my issues were only in my head. Maybe things weren’t as bad as what I had made them out to be.

Then I was shown a dark cluster, probably a third of the total size of the city. It was a circle, wrapped around a central point. My approach to most things in my Healing Career is to address the root cause of things. I find by doing this, there are so many outside things that unravel at the same time. The biggest bang for your buck. So I asked the Being politely if they could please help me work out the centre of this.

The Being went to work and I got more visuals which eventually became clear. It was my Daycare and my Daycare centre. I had not remembered this part of my life until now.

This next part may hurt my Mum, if she reads this. My Daycare Mum was the person I had the closest bond to growing up. My parents worked shift work there whole careers pretty much so I was in daycare since 3 months old. Back then, not many weeks were granted for Maternity Leave. When I was picked up from Daycare it would be to bathe, eat and then bed. Maybe a little bit of hanging out time, I can’t remember this part though. Daycare was fun, with lots of toys, kids to play with, and a Daycare Mum to dote on me, to soothe me, to tell me how special I was.

So when time came to go to Preschool and then school, this relationship was taken away from me. The doctors tell me I might have Autism and so when things are not explained to me in very simple terms, straight shooting, I cannot understand simple concepts. The Special Bonus Feature of my Autism is I can understand very complex things very easily. So I was now in school where I didn’t understand who these people were, and why all the fun was taken away and swapped for sitting in front of a board.

Around that time, according to my memories, was when the childhood sexual abuse began. Then a year or so after that we moved towns to start again. My parents still worked shift work and my Grandma unintentionally became my Maternal Figure in my life. It has only been in the last 6 weeks, when my parents visited, that I became connected to my Mother and Father.

The Mapacho allowed me to remember most of the rest of the night. I then had a conversation with a new friend at the retreat. I got to explain some parts of this story to him. We also talked about our relationship with God, how we had both shunned God at various stages. He is a lot further along than me in his journey and so he imparted his learnings onto me. At the end, he said to me in response:

‘I can see how much you are loved’.

That really hit home for me.

I had another Mapacho and sat with that. I said to myself ‘All I need is love’. I could feel something brewing in my stomach, I could feel the love trying hard to rise up. I started to make a crying face, with no tears. I am told this is your soul crying. I wondered about my recurring dreams as a child. The thing with my story is, I cannot remember my life, but I can remember my countless dreams, oddly. There’s more to this, but I am running out of time before share circle.

If I have time later, I will get back to this to update some more. I want to remember this. This is a significant turning point.

Lots of love,

Kate