Sometimes, the best way to work out why a trap has been set, is to walk right into one.
I am sleepless in Seattle still. I am getting to the point where I am going to crash and burn so hard. I feel the sores in my mouth forming from what feels like malnutrition, or stress, or something up. Used to happen from partying too much, or for too long. The body gets worn out. It screams STOP and I don’t listen. A sucker for punishment, even at my own hand. Yet I am the healthiest I have ever been, and the screams still sound the same.
Avoiding sleep, to some degree, not consciously anyway, or perhaps minutely aware. A dull cry in the distance I can hear but not being sure if I should disturb my current focus to go an investigate. However I want to dress it up, I am going to bed late, and then restless sleep when I can finally get it.
I am erratic of late too. I hate to admit this out of fear of being labelled as manic. This violently shaken mixture of low energy, where I can’t see or think straight, with these bursts of energy where I get so much done. The chaos and surprise of not knowing which version of me I will get, at literally any given moment of my day.
I know when the jar is set down, the concoction will find its equilibrium. But man, my life is a rollercoaster right now.
How am I finding peace, I ask myself as I write this? I am not sure I am seeking peace at the moment. I think my being finds comfort in chaos, truly. If you knew more, you’d understand. I can’t tell you how hard I am fighting each day to find some order, some rhythm, a pattern I can follow. And it’s a fight. A fight against myself, within myself. The coordinated dance of navigating the current path I am on. I question if I should lean right into one way or the other: sink or swim. Can I keep doing both? What is right, here?
I know, deep within me, my memories are the key to a stable life. If you were my prescribing doctor, I am hear the words that have been cautioned to me a few times before.
“You don’t need your memories.”
“Do it slowly, over many years.”
“I wouldn’t recommend that approach.”
To them, or anyone telling me different, I will tell you that you do not know what it is like to not remember. If you did, you wouldn’t be saying those words to me. Plus, you don’t know how resilient I am. You have no idea how desperately I want this.
I will remember. I will remember it all.
Courageous? Or stupid? Why not both? I want my life to make sense. I want the puzzle pieces to fit. I want to be able to see and feel and hear all of the puzzle pieces. I don’t know what the picture on the box of my past is. Do you have any idea how destabilising it is? I am lucky my Denial Armour is extremely effective. Thank you to my Denial Armour.
What’s my alternative? Go on how I have been? There is no peace in that. I will remember, and I will know peace.
I guess that leads me right back to my own question: What am I doing to harness peace in my life? Well, nothing, as I said earlier. I guess this blog entry has revealed to me I need a Peace Practice.
The obstacle is the way. I will walk into my own trap.
Lots of love,
Kate
PS I talked to my Mum and Dad today. I told them that while I deem my Grandad my favourite person in the world, I admitted I do not remember him. I can hardly remember anything about him. I remember his brown skin. Heavily tanned leathery skin from living outdoors. I cannot remember his face, or looking at his face. I recognise him in photos, for sure, but I do not remember his face. How could I forget his face?
I do remember the love he so freely gave to me. I remember the night he walked into the wall, the night which signified the beginning of the end of his life.
The sharing of stories led to many more stories. Little stories of the quiet moments that we don’t usually share.
I gotta get to sleep. There’s much more, as always, to my day. A test of my character when my plans failed epically, it was out of my control. So today was a test with how well I handle the car when someone else is controlling the weather conditions. I did okay. Room for improvement. I don’t eat when I get like that. The dramatic impact of lack of energy input has on my system should be a known-known variable to me, but I am still learning.
One last thing. Last night I had a dream about confronting a friend with a secret. At first I was aggressive and hurtful in my approach and it did not go down well. Then, surprisingly, in the dream I got a repeat of the same scenario. This time it was delivered with softness and love. Almost exactly the same words, I kid you not. Same words, different approach to tone, and a totally different outcome. I hope my friend gets help. I hope my friend opens up to me.
People tell me their deepest secrets for a reason. They know I have known hell.